Ouch Ouch Ouch

Last night was declared Halloween in my town-- so I saw a bunch of trick-or-treaters outside and got excited so decided I would go running so I could see them as I ran...I got my mp3 player, shoes on ...ran outside...down the hill...changing songs...!@$&*!!....I felt my right ankle bend inward to almost 90 degrees-- felt the outside surface of my ankle touch the surface of the road, my left knee was skinned through my pants, my left heel of my hand kept my face from hitting the pavement...I couldn't get up so I rolled and scooted to the side of the road...of course I didn't take the cell phone because I like to travel light...but hell I wasn't even a block from my house...finally I got up and walked stiff legged, not putting much weight on my right foot, trying not to bend my left knee (because of the abrasion)...and my left elbow also was sore...I looked like I was doing the zombie with one arm outstretched ahead of me...
So I just called into work to say I wouldn't be in tomorrow...and thinking today about my decision to stay home tomorrow...I know that I could go in--I wouldn't be nearly as productive as usual but I c o u l d go in, its not like I am so bad off I can't get up and go into work.
BUT these days I think about myself and if it would be better for me (my longterm healing) to stay home...not whether or not I am able to go in and work (which is how I used to make these decisions).

JunkFood, its side-effects

I have eaten lots of junk in the couple of months--more junk in the last month than in the last two years. (junk = candy bars...usually Reece's cups, Almond Snickers, and plenty of cheese puffs).
Back when I was eating junky all the time I had what I call the ItchyScalp-- a itchiness on the scalp that, after scratching would turn flakey and then scabby. I wonder if it wasn't related to seborrheic dermatitis, I had been to several dermatologists for it, none gave me a firm dx but would dispense advice like..use gentle shampoo, nizoril, gave me some kind of topical anti-inflammation preperation to put on my scalp, etc. Symptomatic relief, no lasting solution.
Well after a long while (year or so) of fair compliance with Eat To Live way of eating (LOTS of veggies, fruit, beans, less than 10 percent of calories derived from junky foods) my scalp problem had left completely. I could even for for a weekend without washing my hair and it wouldn't itch like crazy (impossible in the years previous).
Now the ItchyScalp is back to a degree and finally this week the sores started forming on my hairline from my scratching.

self-care

OvercomingOvereating says (something to the effect of) compulsive eaters have an anxiety problem, and it manifests itself as an eating problem...because this is easier to deal with than the anxiety...
The Solution says (something to the effect of) compulsive behavior is what we have used as an external 'solution' to our problem of not nurturing ourselves...
I have read things in both books that I will say...oh yeah, thats me!...and so I was thinking...my focus here has usually been eating...maybe my focus should be my anxieties, my distress, my LIFE..of which eating is a very small part.
Last night a infrequently seen coworker, Mima. We can really talk about the more elemental issues of our existance and I really love to talk to her. I asked her how she was and she told me she was stuffed and miserable... that earlier yesterday she had visited a friend whose husband had died and the friend had loads of food around because of folks were sending food to 'comfort' her (its a tradition around here). Anyway, she ate too much, foods she didn't want, because she thought her friend would feel better if she stayed and ate with her.

When she asked me how my life was going...I told her--much like her, I am still negotiating, at my age, the path of self-nurture and being a dependable person for friends...I keep realizing that the image of someone that is real attuned to their feelings and decides her course of behavior based on her own feelings sometimes seems self-indulgent to me. Still, its how I want to be, attuned to my OWN feelings. I am tired of looking out for others at cost to myself.

another tale:
Two of my co-workers were commiserating about a third coworker, Lisa, how she was being a 'baby' because had asked for help in getting work done so she could leave on time to catch her commuter train. Now they knew and even stated that Lisa was sick (respiratory illness) yet they faulted her for asking for help. !#?*#!!
Were thet jealous of her because she could set boundries on what our employer could ask of her and they didn't seen to have that ability to set limits?
Or did they really think that good workers are supposed to work through illness and not ask for help??
I mean this is clinical lab work, its not like Lisa was asking for their help on a research proposal or publication and that only she was going to benefit from it...this was work that was to benefit patients...
Whatever they thought...I am trying to be like Lisa.

Triggers

....realizing more preferences...most of the time I prefer raw or chewy vegetables...
There are times I like soups, stewed things but for the most part I prefer crisper foods.
Tonight I made Fennel,Orange,Beet Salad.
I have been hesitating, then proceeding to overeat. Why?
Once trigger for me to eat...is coming home from work. Every damn time I walk through that door I have to stuff my mouth.
other triggers:

• being tired but not wanting to rest
• boredom-- invariably I turn to food to allay boredom
• being cold!
• wanting a break from work (but seems like if I break...I want to eat..even if NOT hungry)

End of 2nd Week...

Am doing great. Sweets have always been what I loved so I make a list...and got my favorites...

Reece's cups, Almond Snickers are my favorites but I am a little tired of both. Thank goodness for their long shelf life as I have at least 10 of each plus some misc candy bars...Skor, Heath (for comparison), Hershey's and Scharfenberger's, Peppermint Pattie, Chunky, Reece's Fast Break (sweeter than the cups). Used to like Butterfinger but the thought of them doesn't hit be quite right.
Got some Pop Tarts..I thought they were Smores flavor but they are ChocolateChipCookieDough and they are crappy.
I've had a couple of doughnuts but can't find my favorites-- glazed KrispyKreme doughnuts fresh from the oven.
Salty junk that I like are: cheese doodles...not the crinkled kind but the big puffy ones.
Its fun finding my favorites-- I have a lot of strong preferences that I had lost awareness of since I had assigned all of them as "forbidden"-- allowing it all has made me more selective. Before I just wanted it all.

Food in a role it can't fill

The other day I was rooting around in the chocolate bin at home and my husband asked me -- would you RATHER for for a walk? ...that provoked my thinking...I WOULD rather play-wrestle (he was too tired)...and that make me realize I was using junk as a salve on another kind of need unrelated to food. I wanted stimulation and fun and was using food to provide it.

Begun last week...

Have been on the Eat To Live (Joel Fuhrman) way of eating for two years but finding myself having a 'diet mentality' in that I was feeling guilty for 'breaking the rules' (e.g. having few bites off husband's plate, adding salt to a dish, eating too many cashews...) and just tired of the guilt and realized I was going to have to do something to help myself return to a better place mentally regarding eating. So I did what I do...looked up some books and requested them at my local libriary.
Currently I am reading Intuitive Eating: A Recovery Book for the Chronic Dieter : Rediscover the Pleasures of Eating and Rebuild Your Body Image by Evelyn Tribole, Elyse Resch.
And I have been working on Laurel Mellin's books/tapes for over a year now!!