this past week...

I have been making lots of progress towards becoming more organized (or at least neater). I am reading Marilyn Paul's book It's Hard to Make a Difference When You Can't Find Your Keys. And I am working on being more aware of my feelings-which means my 'bad feelings' . Hell, who avoids there 'good feelings'-- its the 'bad feelings' (feelings of fear, helplessness, anger, contempt, loss...) that I try to avoid by eating and other compulsive behaviors.
I have realized once again that I am so sensitive to Loss. Even small losses, like a ink pen, a pr of socks, r e a l l y gives me a sense of loss. And so I am working to experience it and not just skim over it.

GTD

Last night I stayed up late making attempts to paint. Then sitting in bed before laying down I got my GTD binder, the one I hadn't really looked at since July, and looked at my list of "active projects". My god, it was the same crap that I hadn't been working on and it had been bothering me. There were some things were accomplished--like filing taxes, getting the Home Equity Line of Credit, driver's license renewel, but the bigger things - like putting the house in order, working on the Solution, ...hell it seems like I am at the same spot I was when I last make a Action List.

I am glad I had the 'documentation' though. That alone helped me to see where I was. And the truth is I am further along on developing skills of self-nurturing, limit-setting, etc....but not very. So I did a Mind Sweep. And thought ...maybe if I schedule myself a week or month off of GTD I can do it better (i.e. more consistantly).

Anyway, today I am packing up books to go to the attic, getting an alarm clock, setting me up a little nook to make journaling more inviting.

Smoking... ugh!

I hate this itchiness. I love to eat junk but hate the itch it seems to promote. So I am trying to eat higher quality chocolate (though I love it all-- the cheap crap too!). Back during that time I was eating only expensive dark chocolates (which contain no milk, have cocoa butter intead of cheaper fats, and less additives in general) e.g. Sharffen Berger, Dagoba, Green&Blacks I didn't have this scalp problem. Now that partake in Reeces, Hersheys, Laffy Taffy and all assortments of junky "foods" I am itching like a bastard!
I do not want to have prohibitions on what I will eat but I know some foods just don't work for me.

I am so frustrated with my husband. He drinks too much and he smokes. It bothers me because he has such bad gum disease and he is not proactive about taking care of it and the smoking really aggravates it (my dentist told me that smoking is a chief cause of tooth loss). He has had several root planings, etc but he hasn't gone back for his checkup since his last gum surgery which was many months ago. The smoking is hell on his gums yet he won't even consider quitting. I am so baffled by this.

As far as our relationship, he is caring, emotionally assessible, (and does home repair and cooks!!) things I want in a mate. I go up and down on how bad this smoking-gum problem bother me. I am at another peak of it bothering me. I have discussed this stuff with others and gotten the reply that I can't change someone else (which is true and I acknowledge) that I must accept this about him (this I am not ready to do) so what do I do? The good thing is that I always feel that I can talk to him about this...but talk isn't enough. I want change.

I am off work tomorrow (Monday) and have lots of books to read. I am working on focusing effort on addressing my emotional/psychological developments and reading and reflecting on my reading helps me do this. Somehow this seems self-indulgent, there are people with REAL problems that I could maybe help-- e.g. homeless, critically ill, elderly-- I could volunteer but instead I concentrate on my own issues.

Ouch Ouch Ouch

Last night was declared Halloween in my town-- so I saw a bunch of trick-or-treaters outside and got excited so decided I would go running so I could see them as I ran...I got my mp3 player, shoes on ...ran outside...down the hill...changing songs...!@$&*!!....I felt my right ankle bend inward to almost 90 degrees-- felt the outside surface of my ankle touch the surface of the road, my left knee was skinned through my pants, my left heel of my hand kept my face from hitting the pavement...I couldn't get up so I rolled and scooted to the side of the road...of course I didn't take the cell phone because I like to travel light...but hell I wasn't even a block from my house...finally I got up and walked stiff legged, not putting much weight on my right foot, trying not to bend my left knee (because of the abrasion)...and my left elbow also was sore...I looked like I was doing the zombie with one arm outstretched ahead of me...
So I just called into work to say I wouldn't be in tomorrow...and thinking today about my decision to stay home tomorrow...I know that I could go in--I wouldn't be nearly as productive as usual but I c o u l d go in, its not like I am so bad off I can't get up and go into work.
BUT these days I think about myself and if it would be better for me (my longterm healing) to stay home...not whether or not I am able to go in and work (which is how I used to make these decisions).

JunkFood, its side-effects

I have eaten lots of junk in the couple of months--more junk in the last month than in the last two years. (junk = candy bars...usually Reece's cups, Almond Snickers, and plenty of cheese puffs).
Back when I was eating junky all the time I had what I call the ItchyScalp-- a itchiness on the scalp that, after scratching would turn flakey and then scabby. I wonder if it wasn't related to seborrheic dermatitis, I had been to several dermatologists for it, none gave me a firm dx but would dispense advice like..use gentle shampoo, nizoril, gave me some kind of topical anti-inflammation preperation to put on my scalp, etc. Symptomatic relief, no lasting solution.
Well after a long while (year or so) of fair compliance with Eat To Live way of eating (LOTS of veggies, fruit, beans, less than 10 percent of calories derived from junky foods) my scalp problem had left completely. I could even for for a weekend without washing my hair and it wouldn't itch like crazy (impossible in the years previous).
Now the ItchyScalp is back to a degree and finally this week the sores started forming on my hairline from my scratching.

self-care

OvercomingOvereating says (something to the effect of) compulsive eaters have an anxiety problem, and it manifests itself as an eating problem...because this is easier to deal with than the anxiety...
The Solution says (something to the effect of) compulsive behavior is what we have used as an external 'solution' to our problem of not nurturing ourselves...
I have read things in both books that I will say...oh yeah, thats me!...and so I was thinking...my focus here has usually been eating...maybe my focus should be my anxieties, my distress, my LIFE..of which eating is a very small part.
Last night a infrequently seen coworker, Mima. We can really talk about the more elemental issues of our existance and I really love to talk to her. I asked her how she was and she told me she was stuffed and miserable... that earlier yesterday she had visited a friend whose husband had died and the friend had loads of food around because of folks were sending food to 'comfort' her (its a tradition around here). Anyway, she ate too much, foods she didn't want, because she thought her friend would feel better if she stayed and ate with her.

When she asked me how my life was going...I told her--much like her, I am still negotiating, at my age, the path of self-nurture and being a dependable person for friends...I keep realizing that the image of someone that is real attuned to their feelings and decides her course of behavior based on her own feelings sometimes seems self-indulgent to me. Still, its how I want to be, attuned to my OWN feelings. I am tired of looking out for others at cost to myself.

another tale:
Two of my co-workers were commiserating about a third coworker, Lisa, how she was being a 'baby' because had asked for help in getting work done so she could leave on time to catch her commuter train. Now they knew and even stated that Lisa was sick (respiratory illness) yet they faulted her for asking for help. !#?*#!!
Were thet jealous of her because she could set boundries on what our employer could ask of her and they didn't seen to have that ability to set limits?
Or did they really think that good workers are supposed to work through illness and not ask for help??
I mean this is clinical lab work, its not like Lisa was asking for their help on a research proposal or publication and that only she was going to benefit from it...this was work that was to benefit patients...
Whatever they thought...I am trying to be like Lisa.

Triggers

....realizing more preferences...most of the time I prefer raw or chewy vegetables...
There are times I like soups, stewed things but for the most part I prefer crisper foods.
Tonight I made Fennel,Orange,Beet Salad.
I have been hesitating, then proceeding to overeat. Why?
Once trigger for me to eat...is coming home from work. Every damn time I walk through that door I have to stuff my mouth.
other triggers:

• being tired but not wanting to rest
• boredom-- invariably I turn to food to allay boredom
• being cold!
• wanting a break from work (but seems like if I break...I want to eat..even if NOT hungry)